Well meaning people ask: how is your dad?
I have no idea how to answer that question without sounding like a jerk. I dread answering the question. I know myself — I speak bluntly and directly more often than not. I know that I see things pretty matter-of-factly, and I know that doesn’t come across well.
When answering — all I can say is: He sucks. He’s dying. He’s lost his mind, and he’s not fully aware of what’s happening to him. And, it’s awful. Thanks for asking.
I mean every word of it, including the thanks for asking. I appreciate that people care. Though, most people register it as sarcasm, but it’s not meant to be.
Well meaning people also ask: how are you doing with it?
I hate answering that question too. I answer — I began mourning the loss of my dad years ago. It’s painful to watch him go through this process. In the end, I made my peace with it a while ago, and this is just a natural thing that happens, and it will come for you and I at some point. So how am I? I’m existing, and I’m okay, and I’m going to be okay. That answer screws people up — they always follow up with a doubting, are you sure?
Yes, of course I’m sure! If I wasn’t sure, I would use different words to describe my uncertainty. However, I am certain I will die, I am certain I am okay, and I am certain that I’ll be okay.
In the end, I appreciate people’s intent behind the questions. They’re checking in. They’re wondering if they can help. They’re offering support. What they miss though is something rather important — they are expecting me to answer them as if I was them talking to them. How many times did I use “them” versus “me”? 4:1. It’s not really about me — their interpretation of my response is about them. And, unfortunately, I can’t manage for them.